Sometimes I feel this: "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”. But then I realize “Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.” "Nothing is hopeless, we must hope for everything."
So far the attempts to conceive a second child are failing. We have gone through 3 cycles of injections and IUIs. It's an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, which was expected. It's all come to an abrupt hault though...which was unexpected. Andy's insurance has changed, so we have no coverage on anything but generic prescriptions. This means that the cost of my injections would have to come out of pocket, which we can by no means afford. With our previous copay we paid $60 for meds each cycle, which is nothing compared to the almost $800 per pen I would have to pay...and we get 4-5 pens per cycle!!! So needless to say this cycle is off. No point going for a base-line u/s. So basically there's no chance anything will happen this month. My RE's office referred me to a company that gives a free cycle of the meds I'm on to qualifying patients... I called up and hopefully will recieve a call from them and qualify so that we can start up again before Christmas (if that's when my cycle falls). I can't get my hopes up though... I may not qualify. If that is the case, then we'll have to see if the insurance Andy's company decides to go with in January covers the meds and we'll go from there.
I've told myself and others many times that we'll try all we can, insurance willing, and if we don't conceive then that's that. Emmalee is our one and only, and we are fine with that. Of course I am over the top in love with my little girl, but I have so much more to give, and want another child to share it with, and for Emmalee to love as well. It's just going to be hard to not do anything...and it's not like I made the choice for the break.
Infertility comes in many different ways to many different people. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. There are so many women and men out there that have an even lesser chance of getting what we already have. I feel for them, but cannot push back the desire for one more. In this I feel desparation, helplessness and jealousy. I hate all these feelings and wish I never had to deal with any of them in this aspect.
